Why Do I Forget You Love Me? A Guide to Emotional Permanence for ADHD Brains

Contemplative man rading a text on his phone

You may have heard of object permanence. It’s that thing babies learn where they understand that if you put their favorite toy under a blanket, the toy hasn’t suddenly vaporized into thin air. It’s just hiding. Well, emotional permanence is like that, but for feelings.

Emotional permanence is the understanding that relationships, feelings, and people’s emotional connections to you stay consistent, even when you’re not thinking about them. Imagine your friend said, “I’ll always be here for you.” Emotional permanence lets you feel that even when you’re alone on a Friday night. Without it, every text your friend doesn’t immediately respond to feels like the universe has decided, “Nope, your friend’s out. Goodbye, comfort!”

Emotional Permanence Meets ADHD: A Perfectly Chaotic Storm

Now, if you’ve got ADHD, your brain has some quirks. Maybe you’ve felt that your emotions can shift dramatically, that you don’t always hold onto positive feelings for very long, or that the people you care about poof from your mind when you’re not with them. This isn’t just forgetfulness—it’s that emotional permanence struggles with ADHD.

Because ADHD brains are wired for novelty and action, you might find it hard to keep emotional connections in mind when they’re not right in front of you. Without that tangible reminder, your brain wanders off.

The Brain Behind the Feels

So, what’s going on? The ADHD brain is like an impatient DJ—always jumping to the next track before the current one finishes. You’ve got lower levels of dopamine, the brain chemical that helps you feel motivated and connected. Without enough dopamine, it’s hard to create that feeling of emotional “stickiness.” This also links back to your prefrontal cortex, that part of your brain responsible for planning, focus, and yes, keeping those warm, steady emotions around. But with ADHD, the prefrontal cortex can be more “out of office” than on the job, making it tough to hold onto emotional stability.

Symptoms of Emotional Permanence Issues

If any of these sound familiar, you may be dealing with emotional permanence issues.

  • Out of Sight, Out of Mind – If a friend or partner doesn’t text back, you might feel instantly forgotten or think they’re angry.
  • Emotional “Ghosting” – You sometimes lose the positive feelings about someone if they’re not actively reminding you they care.
  • Emotional Rollercoaster – Your emotions can swing wildly depending on whether you feel connected or not.
  • Constant Reassurance Needed – You find yourself asking questions like, “Are we good?” or “Do you still like me?” Maybe more often than you’d like to admit.

These aren’t just quirks; they’re symptoms of an emotional permanence struggle. They make your relationships feel more fragile than they really are.

Things You Can Do to Improve Emotional Permanence

Now, here’s some good news: you’re not stuck feeling this way forever. There are several ways to manage and improve emotional permanence issues:

  1. Mindfulness Practice – Mindfulness can teach you how to anchor yourself in the present moment and regulate those pesky emotions that seem to come and go. Even just a few minutes a day can make it easier to connect with yourself—and by extension, your loved ones.
  2. Reassurance Isn’t Your Enemy (But Use It Wisely) – It’s okay to ask for reassurance now and then! Just be aware of when it’s becoming a habit. Try to balance seeking reassurance with self-soothing techniques like reminding yourself of past positive experiences with people.
  3. Therapy – A good therapist can help you unpack these feelings and build tools to keep those emotional connections stable. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is great for reframing negative thoughts, while ADHD-specific therapy can help you work with your brain’s unique wiring.
  4. Set Reminders for Reconnecting – Use your phone or planner to remind you to reach out or check in with people. Sometimes, just seeing a friend’s name pop up as a reminder helps you feel connected.
  5. Practice Reflecting on Past Relationships – Take some time to write down positive moments from past interactions with your friends and loved ones. When you’re feeling disconnected, you can revisit these reminders to strengthen your emotional connection.

Struggling with emotional permanence doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you can’t have meaningful, lasting relationships. It just means you might have to work a little harder to keep that connection steady. With some practice, patience, and humor (essential for surviving this ADHD life), you can learn to remember that yes, you are loved, even when it’s quiet.

References

  1. https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/emotional-permanence-adhd
  2. https://attncenter.nyc/object-permanence-and-adhd-the-out-of-sight-out-of-mind-phenomenon-explained/
  3. https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-permanence-7963450
  4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/social-instincts/202211/how-keep-emotional-impermanence-threatening-relationship
  5. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/object-permanence-adhd

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